Reading has become such an escape for me in the chaos of motherhood/adulthood. It has allowed me to be in different worlds when I have had tough days. It has brought me inspiration and motivation when I was feeling lost. It has rejuvenated and re-energized me when I felt drained. I always recommend people to try and read, even a little bit. Opening up a book and getting lost in those pages is so different than binge watching Netflix shows, though I am also guilty of that.
Category: Rants
Family – Broken vs Whole
Before I get into it, I want to say I come from a great family, and I know that. There was never any feeling of something missing or lack of love growing up. However, as an adult, I realize just how broken it truly was and how that brokenness has trickled into how we are as adults today. I would have never realized it until my husband brought it to my attention when we were still dating. After we spent a weekend at my parents’ house he asked, “Why is it you act so different when we are with your family?” Instantly I got defensive and questioned his question. He then said, “It seems you instantly go into character and try to fit into this person they made you.” Let me tell you, it wasn’t a good character to play. It was a girl who was lost, unstable, incapable, and “ditzy”. That night, I stopped acting like that with them, as if it would make a difference in their view of me.
To this day, these people I have grown up with besides my two little sisters who are my best friends, don’t truly know who I am. Because of the mistakes I made as a child/a teenager/a young woman, they refused to let go of the image I created no matter how much growth I made, so I gave them what they expected. Around them or after I am with them, I spiral into self-doubt and self-deprecation, forgetting who the fuck I grew up to be. Immediately I go from strong, confident woman to incapable, lost teenage me. Recently, I told someone in my family my plans after getting my degree, which I am so proud to be working on even though I am almost 30 years old; better late than never! Their voice changed and questioned my plans, I can tell they didn’t think it was possible for me, once again made to feel incapable. I am a grown ass woman, and I can still be crushed like that, weakness takes over and once again not feeling enough.
I don’t believe in blaming our childhood or family dynamics on the failures we make as adults as we make our own choices. However, I believe it makes a difference in our mental and emotional wellbeing. Anything I am today is my doing, even with “not enough” engrained into your heart and mind since you were a child, having to learn to fight through the walls of self-doubt placed there by people who are supposed to love and support you the most. I come from a broken family, and it affected how I view and handle things for as long as I can remember. By broken, I don’t mean a family who has been separated or one that comes from a single-family household. By broken, I don’t mean one that was neglected or abandoned. By broken, I mean one that people have to mold and break themselves to feel like they fit in to its expectations. By broken, I mean one that doesn’t feed positivity into your soul and makes you question all the things you are doing in life. In “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle, she defines a whole family as: When each member can bring their full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free.
It is OK to come from such a family. It is OK to have felt not enough in the past. It is OK to have been unstable and unsure of yourself. It is not OK to stay in that place. It is not OK to continue living a life that wasn’t meant for you because it was what they expect of us. We as humans and the children of God, were meant for greatness, meant for peace, and meant for joy. We need to dig deep inside us to grab that greatness out despite what those around us say because at the end of the day it is our lives we are living. Fuck that broken home! Reset, readjust, and restart your way of thinking. Create boundaries and allow yourself to be the YOU you have always been and wanted to be no matter who is watching.
Habits To Break
Before You’re 30
“Old habits die hard. If you don’t kick them, they kick you.”
In 4 months, I am turning 30, and I know for many hitting a certain age can be nerve-wracking and can make people FREAK OUT. For me, I find excitement in seeing what more life has to offer me. My 20s, like with most people, were about figuring my shit out; learning who I am, what I stand for, what my purpose is. It was a crazy roller coaster of making a shit ton of mistakes and growing from them. While I know I don’t have EVERYTHING figured out, and there won’t be anyone who will, the older we get the wiser we become. We learn what works and what habits lead us to trouble.
“Old habits die hard. If you don’t kick them, they kick you.”
The beautiful thing about habits is you can change them. While it takes work and time it could lead you to live your best life. Everything we do now will set our path to mediocrity or greatness is up to us which we take.
Comparing
I wish this was taught at a far younger age. We should never compare ourselves or our lives to anyone else’s, especially to people on social media. I say this often, SOCIAL MEDIA IS SUCH A LIE! People will never put their dirt on there, they all want to look as though everything is perfect. That’s why we all follow them, their lifestyles enchant us. While you can use this for inspiration, let’s be real we just put ourselves down because of it. Ugh, she has the body I want, the house I only dream of living in, the vacations I will never take, blah, blah, blah… It’s just negativity towards you and the things you have worked so hard to have right now. Instead of learning to love yourself and having gratitude for the things you have, you just beat yourself up. STOP IT! Comparing will never get you any of those things they have or make you who they are. Also, you shouldn’t want to be them. You should want to be you. No other person will be on the same journey. Enjoy yours and don’t let what you see on social media steal your joy from you.
Putting Yourself Down
This goes with the topic about comparison. When you’re playing the comparing game, there is only one place you lead yourself, and that’s to self-destruction. They say, “you are your own worst critic,” but what if you get out of your own way and allow positivity to flow through you. The way you see yourself will reflect in the people you surround yourself with, how you allow others to treat you, and what you accept in your life. Remember, you only accept the things you feel you deserve. If you keep putting yourself down, you’re not allowing positive things into your life. Enjoy where you are in your journey and love who you are all while creating the life you dream of and growing through it all.
Not Doing What You Love
This is big! You are still so young, there is no reason to settle for ordinary. Dream big, reach as high as you can and don’t be afraid to do it. The only thing that prevents us from pursuing things in life is fear. But guess what, you are still SO YOUNG! If during the pursuit of your dream life you stumble, you have so much time to pick yourself back up and continue going.
You know that life you were envying or comparing your life to? Well, make it yours! Put in the work and just do it. There are so many people who have intense passions in life but are settling for a normal 9-5 because it is safe. Do you want to be safe or do you want to live the life you have always dreamed of?
Everyone wants to live a certain lifestyle but either are too afraid to reach for it or just don’t want to put in the time and effort to have it. Y’all it is reachable! You can have it if you want it bad enough.
Now, maybe you are already pursuing your dream career and love the job you have. Maybe you are already living in your dream home or have your dream car. Some people have hobbies they have always wanted to try. Some people have places they have always wanted to see. Whatever it is. Make time for it and make it happen consistently. Do you want to take on baking? Bake something every week. Do you want to take on strength training? Go to the gym 4-5 times a week. Do you want to go on more vacations? Go yearly and save up for it through the year. Anything is attainable!
Eating Out For All Meals
I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t enjoy not having to cook or eating from one of my favorite restaurants, BUT there is still nothing better than a home-cooked meal. First off, it saves you money. Second, you will have much more control over what goes into your food. It is easier to eat healthy when you are cooking it yourself.
Not taking care of your skin
It is so important, even in your 20s, to prioritize skincare. If you don’t take care of it now, you will regret it in the future. It is much more work and much more costly to reverse damage to your skin than it is to prevent. It really isn’t even hard. This means:
- Wash your face every day
- Never sleep with your makeup on
- ALWAYS wear sunscreen
- Moisturize
- It’s time for eye cream
- Stop picking at your pimples
- Drink lots of water
- Get enough sleep
Everyone’s skin is different so find the products you love and what works what’s best for your skin. It’s ok to try different things until you find the products your skin loves. And trust me, 40/50-year-old you will thank you for it.
Being A Yes Girl
It is OK to say NO! Let me repeat that… IT IS OK TO SAY NO! I know it can be tough sometimes, but you can’t please everyone. And no, it is not selfish. If you truly don’t have the time for it, money for it, or if you just don’t want to do it, then don’t or it becomes a standard. Once it is a standard, you will have a tougher time saying no. Only say yes to the things you want to do and the things that truly bring you joy.
Stop Spending Money Frivolously
Now is the time to save. I know it is much more boring than, “I only have one life to live” so buy those clothes, take as many vacations, etc., it’s practical. While it is ok to buy yourself things, treat yourself, or go on vacation, leaving yourself with nothing in your bank account should stop.
You never know what life will throw at you, so having financial cushion will ensure you will have some security later. I know it is hard to save in your 20s and most want to just live for the moment. Even putting a little away at a month will make a difference.
Keeping Toxic People In Your Life
Toxic people only bring chaos and negativity. These kinds of people, even if they have been your friend since childhood, will drag you down and bring you pain or make you feel small. The people you want to be around are those that lift you up and motivate you to pursue your greatest life. You want people who will nourish your soul. These people are the ones that will believe in you, cushion your falls, and applaud you in every victory.
Flaking On Plans
Like I said above, don’t be a yes girl. If you don’t want to go, then don’t say you will. Flaking on plans is much worse than just saying no upfront. You will look unreliable, and that is a way to lose good friendships. Also, if you respect other people’s time you won’t let them plan around you. If you have a valid reason to not go, at least try not doing it a couple of hours before.
Feeling Guilty
I hear “sorry” way too often. I know you’ve sent the “Sorry for the late reply” text before. There is no reason to apologize for responding later, the whole point of texting is to respond when you can. Why are you feeling guilty for being busy? For being tired? For not wanting to go out on the weekend to save money? You don’t need to justify why you do things or don’t do things. Cut back on throwing the word sorry around and not feel bad when you do whatever is best for you.
Running Late
Ok, this is a tough one, but if you can accomplish it, you will live a much more stress-free life. I know it happens; I get it, and I have been late before, but if you are doing it constantly, it is definitely time to change that.
Time is so valuable and once it is wasted, there is no getting it back. Being late is so disrespectful, and it shows a disregard for other people. This one will take time, but it can be resolved. You know how much time you need to get to where you need to be and how long you take to get ready. You can time things appropriately.
Living Life In Your Phone
This! It seems like no matter where you go, everyone’s noses are buried in a screen. If you’re alone, and that’s what you do, it’s all good, but when you’re around other people, you should be giving them the attention they deserve. To me there is nothing more annoying than having a conversation with someone and they pick up their phone. It shows a lack of interest and just downright rude.
Always being on your phone also makes you miss out on time with those you love and on experiences. I get it; you want capture moments, but taking a picture then spending time on editing it, creating the perfect caption, adding hashtags, posting it, and scrolling through your feed is just excessive. When you put your phone down, you will realize how much life and joy you are missing out on.
Complaining About Getting Older
You aren’t getting any younger, and complaining about it will not take back years. Enjoy where you are in life. Don’t be mortified, instead celebrate it.
30 IS the END of your YOUTH and it is not a bad thing. From here on, it only gets better. This is when you have gone through all the bullshit of our 20s, and now you’re upgrading to your flirty 30s. You’re experienced enough to avoid the bullshit and young enough to still enjoy your life and do whatever it is you want to.
Are you close to your 30s? How are you feeling about it? Do you think you’ve kicked these habits already? Do you think there should be more added to the list?
How To Not Kill Your Partner During Quarantine
We have a choice of whether we deepen our relationships or break them.
The quarantine to help prevent the spread of the Coronavirus has pushed many of us to spend more time, like 24/7 all the time, with our partners. I have seen so many memes and posts on social media regarding couples arguing or divorces happening because of Covid-19. One of them said, “People are talking about the number of babies being born in 9 months and I’m over here thinking about all the divorce rates.” There have also been many videos of couples acting out their days during quarantine, and as the days went on, they fought and argued. According to an article in globalnews.ca, “In China, where the COVID-19 outbreak first began, divorce rates are rising after couples were forced into mandatory lockdown together to prevent the virus’ spread.”
Whether you are both working from home, both not working, or one of you doing one or the other, being locked down together means learning to parent, work, and function together ALL DAY long. This kind of interaction can lead to the deterioration of any relationship. BUT, it doesn’t have to! We have a choice of whether we deepen our relationships or break them. While I don’t have a perfect relationship, who does, and we argue about stupid shit and get annoyed with each other, managing our relationship during this time was much easier than I thought it would be. How do you keep from being a statistic once the quarantine lifts? How can you turn this into a positive thing for your relationship? How do you maintain your sanity?
Communication
Keeping an open and healthy dialogue with your partner is so important, not just during this time, but definitely when you have to be together all the time. Talking about what is bothering you and finding solutions before it can become an actual issue is so important. Don’t hold it in and don’t ignore it or it will just blow up in your faces. Trust me, if you let it build, the fight will be massive. When you speak about your concerns, needs, and wants to respond with understanding and love instead of defense. Remember, you guys are a team, so you guys need to resolve matters together.
Patience
More than ever, we need to practice patience with our partners. Yea, I know they’re super annoying. Yes, he is such a mess… he left his dirty laundry next to the hamper, he left one mug in the sink rather than in the dishwasher, he’s eating up all the snacks, he’s obnoxiously chewing, he’s farting everywhere, so much yelling while he’s playing video games, and all the car YouTube videos and Twitch videos… girl, I know! Breathe and approach it with love. Let him know what is causing your irritation and respect, that there are things that he is doing that is also bringing him comfort during this time. All of this is temporary and both partners need to find understanding for each other more than ever. Try to remember you still love that big slob of yours.
Space and Schedules
I can not emphasize this enough. YOU BOTH NEED SPACE! Yes, you’re stuck at home in pajamas all day, but to maintain normalcy you should keep your schedules as close to the same as you can. When you wake up, when you work out, when you get work done, when you clean, when you cook dinner, etc. In your schedules, put time aside for me time and for time together. Just because you are sharing the same vicinity doesn’t mean you need to literally be together all day. For me and Josh, we learned to make time for things we enjoy and brings us joy as individuals. Whether or not we are locked down at home, we should be prioritizing some form of self-care of our mental health. Then we spend our time together as soon as the kids go down for bed and catch up on our favorite shows or watch a new movie. ALONE time is so important and absolutely possible during quarantine, you just need to find your routine.
Liven It Up
I know real date nights aren’t a thing at the moment, but you can do indoor dates. Set a night, order takeout, get dressed, and spend intentional time together. If you have kids, do this when the kids go down for bed. If your kids sleep late… well… it’ll be an early bedtime that night. It won’t kill the kids to not have a night when they don’t get their way, plus that rest is good for them. Try new things. You can try a new show, new board games, new video games, a new workout, or a new thing in bed. Get sexy with your partner. I know anxiety and stress can decrease libido, but sex can also relieve it. Find something you both will find excitement in and enjoy together to keep the good vibes circulating in your relationship.
It is already a stressful time in the world. We have so much to worry about, the last thing any of us need is to worry about divorces or the end of long-term relationships after this. Remind yourself how much you love the person you are with, why you love them, and why the relationship is important to you. Your partner is your rock, the person who you can lean on when our situations are too much to handle. Keep in mind that this situation is temporary, but what you do during this time can affect you in the long-term.
Calm In The Chaos
The Coronavirus has caused so much craziness in our world, and it has brought so much terror and anxiety in many of us. I want to take the time out to tell everyone to STOP, BREATH, and HAVE FAITH. I understand the reasons for everyone’s concerns but let’s try and adjust our perspectives to help bring a little peace in the midst of the pandemonium.
Fear is a normal reaction to events in the world like this, however, being consumed by that fear and allowing it to make us react irrationally taking away our joy in the world is not an appropriate reaction. There is no virus that will ever be more dangerous than our mindsets. Fear causes more turmoil in an already difficult situation and will cause more negativity and worse outcomes than any virus can. We need to stop, reassess everything, and start moving in a direction of faith and positivity. We need to stop fighting over toilet paper, being afraid to talk to our neighbors and find faith that there is a higher power protecting us or faith that things are being done that need to be done to lower the spread of the virus. There are things we can’t control and that isn’t something we need to worry about, as there is nothing we can do about it, but we can control our reactions. We need to stay well informed but where we get our information matters, and if we can’t control our minds maybe we should stay away from Facebook groups that will only feed into our panic.
We can all find gratitude in all our situations:
- We get a chance to reconnect with our families. We live fast-paced lives and often only have a couple of hours a day with those we love, if we even have that. With schools closing, people working from home or having to call off, and sports events and all our kids’ extracurricular activities being canceled this is our chance to spend intentional time with them.
- Leaning on our communities for help, unifying all of us. We are all in need, some more than others, but we have a chance to be a community united and willing to help each other. Though I have witnessed people fighting over toilet paper, I have also seen people offering their services to help the elderly and immune-compromised, parent’s offering formula, diapers, wipes, and food for family’s that either can’t afford the supplies or can’t access them as shelves are being cleaned out, and people offering services to parents who are being pushed into the homeschooling world.
- Getting a chance to look within and take care of ourselves. We have time to read that book we always wanted to, spend time or call our families, or meditate/pray. To get a much needed reset that many of us don’t have a chance to do. We are all so used to having to be social, this is our time to focus on ourselves, our minds, our hearts, and our souls.
We can all get through this!
Mella Wines 