Family – Broken vs Whole

Before I get into it, I want to say I come from a great family, and I know that. There was never any feeling of something missing or lack of love growing up. However, as an adult, I realize just how broken it truly was and how that brokenness has trickled into how we are as adults today. I would have never realized it until my husband brought it to my attention when we were still dating. After we spent a weekend at my parents’ house he asked, “Why is it you act so different when we are with your family?” Instantly I got defensive and questioned his question. He then said, “It seems you instantly go into character and try to fit into this person they made you.”  Let me tell you, it wasn’t a good character to play. It was a girl who was lost, unstable, incapable, and “ditzy”. That night, I stopped acting like that with them, as if it would make a difference in their view of me.

To this day, these people I have grown up with besides my two little sisters who are my best friends, don’t truly know who I am. Because of the mistakes I made as a child/a teenager/a young woman, they refused to let go of the image I created no matter how much growth I made, so I gave them what they expected.  Around them or after I am with them, I spiral into self-doubt and self-deprecation, forgetting who the fuck I grew up to be. Immediately I go from strong, confident woman to incapable, lost teenage me. Recently, I told someone in my family my plans after getting my degree, which I am so proud to be working on even though I am almost 30 years old; better late than never! Their voice changed and questioned my plans, I can tell they didn’t think it was possible for me, once again made to feel incapable. I am a grown ass woman, and I can still be crushed like that, weakness takes over and once again not feeling enough.

I don’t believe in blaming our childhood or family dynamics on the failures we make as adults as we make our own choices. However, I believe it makes a difference in our mental and emotional wellbeing. Anything I am today is my doing, even with “not enough” engrained into your heart and mind since you were a child, having to learn to fight through the walls of self-doubt placed there by people who are supposed to love and support you the most. I come from a broken family, and it affected how I view and handle things for as long as I can remember. By broken, I don’t mean a family who has been separated or one that comes from a single-family household. By broken, I don’t mean one that was neglected or abandoned. By broken, I mean one that people have to mold and break themselves to feel like they fit in to its expectations. By broken, I mean one that doesn’t feed positivity into your soul and makes you question all the things you are doing in life. In “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle, she defines a whole family as: When each member can bring their full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free.

It is OK to come from such a family. It is OK to have felt not enough in the past. It is OK to have been unstable and unsure of yourself. It is not OK to stay in that place. It is not OK to continue living a life that wasn’t meant for you because it was what they expect of us. We as humans and the children of God, were meant for greatness, meant for peace, and meant for joy. We need to dig deep inside us to grab that greatness out despite what those around us say because at the end of the day it is our lives we are living. Fuck that broken home! Reset, readjust, and restart your way of thinking. Create boundaries and allow yourself to be the YOU you have always been and wanted to be no matter who is watching.

Accidental Homeschooling

I have always admired the mom’s who can homeschool. The patience, dedication, and discipline these awesome parents must have. I never saw myself in their shoes, and with all school closures, me and many other parents are being pushed into that role. If you are feeling overwhelmed, unsure, and inadequate for this, I am with you, but we can all do it!

I am seeing many posts with colorful schedules on every mom group I am in. If you are that mama that can do that, awesome, but let me tell you that is NEVER going to work for me. I am all for routines, but man that schedule seemed a little excessive and impossible to truly follow. I would keep it simple, something like:

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Honestly, I am not sure why we want to stress out about tight schedules and keeping them busy the entire time they are with us. Why don’t we just enjoy this moment that we have with them? Why don’t we just do what is natural? Teach them as we play, as we adventure, as we love on each other? Like I said, I am all for routines, my kids follow routines, and do way better with them, however, they are loose so no one gets stressed out.

Also, that Amazon cart full of homeschool supplies and workbooks…girl trash it, empty it, delete it… you don’t need them. The schools have handed each of our kids work already in packets or online so chill. They will be working and keeping busy. The extra, should be fun and give you and your kids something special to do. We all have Pinterest, look up those fun arts and crafts and STEM activities. Better yet, take a bike ride, a hike, or a walk even just around your neighborhood. We were advised to practice social distancing but not locking ourselves up in our homes. The outdoor play gives us so much opportunity to teach about so much; from nature to numbers and colors to physical coordination. It will also benefit the entire family with it helping to reduce anxiety and depression, which is so needed in our current situations. This accidental homeschooling we are put in doesn’t have to be stressful and complex. It is a temporary situation, and then they will be back in school and we will once again be away from them for most of the day. Take advantage this moment, enjoy every moment, and make the best of it.

Then once we get through the day with our little treasures, lay their asses in bed, read them a story, love on them, and pop open that wine and wind down with Netflix, a book, or a bubble bath, it will be a well-deserved glass. Y’all we can survive! It’s a few weeks, while teachers have to do this with HELLA kids for 181 days.