Sacrifice

“You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.”

Mom, Mama, Mother… What is the first thing that entered your mind when you read that? For me, I think of unconditional love, patience, understanding, safety, security, and selflessness. Most mothers are the driving force in their household. She carries everything from her family’s joys to all their pains on her shoulders while keeping up with her societal expectation to be a “perfect” mom. She bends over backward to keep her family’s needs met and their happiness maintained. According to society she must lose herself, her identity, ignore her needs, her happiness. If her kids are living their best lives, then she is doing everything right. Her entire world should revolve around her children, no, her kids must be her world and become her identity. She must sacrifice herself for their needs.

 Ya’ll that’s a bunch of BULLSHIT! 

I posted a meme on a Facebook mom’s page saying: “You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.” I got so many mixed responses, many showed love or gratitude for the reminder but much who disagreed. There was one specific comment that stood out to me. She said, “I like this quote and get the point, but I struggle with this concept. When your first child is born, you are reborn as a mother. Some people’s identity is that they are a mother, and that is enough.”

I changed the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, more when I heard their little heartbeats and saw their little bodies on a screen, much more when I felt their movements, and all of me when I heard their sweet cries for the first time and I held them in my arms. I knew my identity and my priorities had changed; I was reborn as a mother. I lost myself in my children; they were my entire identity; they justified my worth. Then, I spiraled into a deep depression, pushing everyone away and living in agitation and sadness.

I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom. My mom got married when she was 18 years old, soon after she got pregnant with my eldest brother. She would have 6 children in total. Her entire life she prioritized only us and did nothing for herself. Even buying a blouse was a struggle for her. All my life, I remembered her working nonstop. She worked 10-12 hour-long shifts, clean the house, have food cooked, and have groceries stocked. HOW?! I thought she was just superwoman, and when I had my first child, I thought I was failing because I couldn’t carry out half of what she did.

She is now 65 years old and is struggling to be comfortable with the thought of retiring. Now that her kids are all independent, she can’t get herself to stop because now she is working for herself and not for her kids. She says, “I have done everything for my kids and your dad, I just want to feel like I accomplished something more than that… something for myself.” I was so baffled by this. I questioned her way of thinking. If her value came from her kids, isn’t raising all of us to be happy and healthy enough? We were her identity for so long, but now that all her kids don’t need her the way we once did she wants to do something for herself, even if it is working her ass off to feel accomplished for herself. It took 46 years to get to that point.

My mom did everything right. She worked, she maintained her household, she kept her kids and husband happy, she gave us the world, she was a “perfect” mom BUT she never knew happiness. For as long as I can remember, I saw her work so hard and sacrifice, but I have never seen her genuine joy in her. She now lives in a depression she denies and in regret of her choices. She is 65 years old, and she is just remembering she is more than just “mom” and I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom.

Again, that is a bunch of BULLSHIT! 

How about we switch up our way of thinking?

“I was a someone before I became their mom, and she matters also.” Her needs, her wants, her dreams, her aspirations, her happiness. How could I forget all of that when I’m the one who posted that meme thinking I live that life when I was just wishing I was? What if we stopped just sacrificing ourselves for our kids and started living for them?

We need to stop considering a selfless mom means completely ignoring your true self, your full identity. That sacrifice is so unnecessary and doesn’t prove you are any better of a mom than anyone else. Kids need to see a genuinely happy mom who knows she matters also. We need to remember that taking care of yourself means you want to give your loved ones the best of you. Sometimes being selfless for your family, is taking care of yourself.  

Do you want to go back to school? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to go back to work? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. You want to step out by yourself or with your girlfriends? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to spend extra time to get dolled up before stepping out with the kids? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time. You want to take up a hobby or a class? Do It! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time.

It is important to remember that it isn’t selfish to need and want things for yourself. You will always be a mom, that role will never end, but it isn’t all you are. Don’t wait until the kids leave the house to realize you lost yourself. Don’t wait as you sink deeper and deeper into a depression to realize something is wrong. Don’t wait 46 years in sacrifice to wait to achieve your most beautiful life. 

Family – Broken vs Whole

Before I get into it, I want to say I come from a great family, and I know that. There was never any feeling of something missing or lack of love growing up. However, as an adult, I realize just how broken it truly was and how that brokenness has trickled into how we are as adults today. I would have never realized it until my husband brought it to my attention when we were still dating. After we spent a weekend at my parents’ house he asked, “Why is it you act so different when we are with your family?” Instantly I got defensive and questioned his question. He then said, “It seems you instantly go into character and try to fit into this person they made you.”  Let me tell you, it wasn’t a good character to play. It was a girl who was lost, unstable, incapable, and “ditzy”. That night, I stopped acting like that with them, as if it would make a difference in their view of me.

To this day, these people I have grown up with besides my two little sisters who are my best friends, don’t truly know who I am. Because of the mistakes I made as a child/a teenager/a young woman, they refused to let go of the image I created no matter how much growth I made, so I gave them what they expected.  Around them or after I am with them, I spiral into self-doubt and self-deprecation, forgetting who the fuck I grew up to be. Immediately I go from strong, confident woman to incapable, lost teenage me. Recently, I told someone in my family my plans after getting my degree, which I am so proud to be working on even though I am almost 30 years old; better late than never! Their voice changed and questioned my plans, I can tell they didn’t think it was possible for me, once again made to feel incapable. I am a grown ass woman, and I can still be crushed like that, weakness takes over and once again not feeling enough.

I don’t believe in blaming our childhood or family dynamics on the failures we make as adults as we make our own choices. However, I believe it makes a difference in our mental and emotional wellbeing. Anything I am today is my doing, even with “not enough” engrained into your heart and mind since you were a child, having to learn to fight through the walls of self-doubt placed there by people who are supposed to love and support you the most. I come from a broken family, and it affected how I view and handle things for as long as I can remember. By broken, I don’t mean a family who has been separated or one that comes from a single-family household. By broken, I don’t mean one that was neglected or abandoned. By broken, I mean one that people have to mold and break themselves to feel like they fit in to its expectations. By broken, I mean one that doesn’t feed positivity into your soul and makes you question all the things you are doing in life. In “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle, she defines a whole family as: When each member can bring their full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free.

It is OK to come from such a family. It is OK to have felt not enough in the past. It is OK to have been unstable and unsure of yourself. It is not OK to stay in that place. It is not OK to continue living a life that wasn’t meant for you because it was what they expect of us. We as humans and the children of God, were meant for greatness, meant for peace, and meant for joy. We need to dig deep inside us to grab that greatness out despite what those around us say because at the end of the day it is our lives we are living. Fuck that broken home! Reset, readjust, and restart your way of thinking. Create boundaries and allow yourself to be the YOU you have always been and wanted to be no matter who is watching.

Flawed and STILL Worthy

5 Ways To Fall In Love With You

Hi Beautiful Friends!

I am going to be thirty years old this year, and I am now just truly figuring out how to love myself fully. I’ve gone through the stages of thinking I already did love myself with the confidence I faked to full-on breaking myself down going through all the reasons I am not enough for anything. For years I allowed the lies of others, experiences, and the enemy, the universe, the whatever it is you believe in to live in me and make me look down on myself. Here’s a secret, we have full control of it! Let me share with you all how.

Before we get into the how-to, let’s talk about what happens when you don’t truly love yourself.

• We’ve all heard people say, “you can’t love someone, without loving yourself.” I stand by this, because how can you show another person the love they deserve when you don’t even know what love is supposed to feel or look like? You can’t. No matter what you do, even in the most genuine of efforts, the peace that lacks in your heart will rub off on other people.

• You will live your life constantly comparing yourself to others. As you are comparing, you will also find yourself full of envy or even judgment as that is the way you justify why you don’t have what others have.

• You will be in constant need of others’ acceptance and praise as it is where you find some value and false confidence.

• When you don’t love yourself, you also miss out on so many opportunities. Not applying for a job because you thought you weren’t good enough, not taking on a task that could have landed you a raise or promotion because you thought you couldn’t accomplish it, not finding genuine friends because you surround yourself with like minded negative people.

• Your relationships don’t last. You’re relationships, no matter how genuine you are about being in them, can only go as far as you think you are worth. Even if you are with someone good for you, if you don’t feel like you are worthy of them you will self sabotage even without knowing it. This is also how you end up in bad relationships. You take the bad ways you are treated and either allow it to feed your self deprecation or feel like it is what you deserve.

Ok, now let’s get into it but let me add this disclaimer. Self-love is a lifelong process and will not solve every problem you have, make things perfect, or help you find the love of your life. It will however help you deal with life with a newfound perspective and find different ways of coping with the struggles it can throw at us.

Acceptance and Deciding to Love Yourself

This is such an important step, as you will not be able to move forward without first breaking that denial and fully committing to finding that love. This commitment isn’t to anyone except to you! Promise yourself that no matter how difficult, no matter what life will throw at you, no matter if you fuck up something that you will not stop trying! The biggest thing is the effort you put out, and even if you fall, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say “It didn’t go my way but I still love myself, I am still worthy, I am still enough!”

Finding the Root

Knowing where your insecurities are stemming from is also an important step as it will tell you what to avoid and help break the lies that were engrained in your heart. Make a list and follow it up with your truth. Our roots can come from so many things: perfectionist parents, bad relationships or friendships, a failure in school or at work, the list can go on… Just know that we can break those lies and we give them their power to control us.

Me Time

Life is busy, but you have to set time aside just for you. This is where you can read, Netflix, do yoga, meditate, journal, do whatever it is that you want or what brings you happiness and calm. It doesn’t matter how much time you set aside as long as you set sometime strictly for you where you can focus on yourself and what you love. This is also the time where you get to dedicate to learning yourself. For some of you, you don’t even know what brings you joy anymore.

Your wants and needs

If you are like me, you set the things you want and need to the side for others. You make sure everyone else is taken care of but completely neglect yourself. Well, STOP IT! You are as important as everyone else in your life and you deserve to get your wants and needs met. Sit yourself down, and genuinely think about what it is that you are needing and go do it!

Your Thoughts and Others

You have to be mindful of the way you think and change the way you speak to yourself. As women we are, for some reason, tuned to be critical of all aspects of ourselves and we are so much meaner than anyone else can be. When you catch yourself making a negative comment, switch it up to something positive, something you are grateful for.

Also, watch who you hang out with. If you are around negative people, their negativity will rub off on you also. Surround yourself with positivity always so you can feed it your mind, heart, and soul. Remember even if someone has been your friend for years, doesn’t mean they want the best for you. If someone in your life is constantly pushing you down or judging you, they DON’T want the best for you. These people are NOT your friends, your tribe…avoid them!

Look Good, Feel Good

The smallest effort, can make the biggest impact. When I am not feeling awesome about myself, sometimes just putting on a cute outfit and actually trying helps bring my mood up. Same with doing my hair or makeup. When you put even the slightest effort, you are telling yourself you are worth that. 

Progress Not Perfection

Remember that this is a lifelong practice. We need to live in this because loving yourself isn’t an end goal as it can fluctuate or change. All that matters is that you are trying and you can pick yourself back up and continue on when you fall.

Ladies, we are all flawed in our own ways but each of us is and always will be worthy! Read that again… YOU ARE FLAWED AND STILL WORTHY! You are more than enough, no matter what someone tells you or what experiences made you feel. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. Push the thoughts that you are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, not worthy enough and replace it with I LOVE MYSELF, I AM WORTHY, and I AM ENOUGH. If you are a Christian, like me, remind yourself who you belong to. God loves you and made you in his image, you are his daughter and you, my dear, you are made with greatness!