“You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.”
Mom, Mama, Mother… What is the first thing that entered your mind when you read that? For me, I think of unconditional love, patience, understanding, safety, security, and selflessness. Most mothers are the driving force in their household. She carries everything from her family’s joys to all their pains on her shoulders while keeping up with her societal expectation to be a “perfect” mom. She bends over backward to keep her family’s needs met and their happiness maintained. According to society she must lose herself, her identity, ignore her needs, her happiness. If her kids are living their best lives, then she is doing everything right. Her entire world should revolve around her children, no, her kids must be her world and become her identity. She must sacrifice herself for their needs.
Ya’ll that’s a bunch of BULLSHIT!
I posted a meme on a Facebook mom’s page saying: “You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.” I got so many mixed responses, many showed love or gratitude for the reminder but much who disagreed. There was one specific comment that stood out to me. She said, “I like this quote and get the point, but I struggle with this concept. When your first child is born, you are reborn as a mother. Some people’s identity is that they are a mother, and that is enough.”
I changed the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, more when I heard their little heartbeats and saw their little bodies on a screen, much more when I felt their movements, and all of me when I heard their sweet cries for the first time and I held them in my arms. I knew my identity and my priorities had changed; I was reborn as a mother. I lost myself in my children; they were my entire identity; they justified my worth. Then, I spiraled into a deep depression, pushing everyone away and living in agitation and sadness.
I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom. My mom got married when she was 18 years old, soon after she got pregnant with my eldest brother. She would have 6 children in total. Her entire life she prioritized only us and did nothing for herself. Even buying a blouse was a struggle for her. All my life, I remembered her working nonstop. She worked 10-12 hour-long shifts, clean the house, have food cooked, and have groceries stocked. HOW?! I thought she was just superwoman, and when I had my first child, I thought I was failing because I couldn’t carry out half of what she did.
She is now 65 years old and is struggling to be comfortable with the thought of retiring. Now that her kids are all independent, she can’t get herself to stop because now she is working for herself and not for her kids. She says, “I have done everything for my kids and your dad, I just want to feel like I accomplished something more than that… something for myself.” I was so baffled by this. I questioned her way of thinking. If her value came from her kids, isn’t raising all of us to be happy and healthy enough? We were her identity for so long, but now that all her kids don’t need her the way we once did she wants to do something for herself, even if it is working her ass off to feel accomplished for herself. It took 46 years to get to that point.
My mom did everything right. She worked, she maintained her household, she kept her kids and husband happy, she gave us the world, she was a “perfect” mom BUT she never knew happiness. For as long as I can remember, I saw her work so hard and sacrifice, but I have never seen her genuine joy in her. She now lives in a depression she denies and in regret of her choices. She is 65 years old, and she is just remembering she is more than just “mom” and I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom.
Again, that is a bunch of BULLSHIT!
How about we switch up our way of thinking?
“I was a someone before I became their mom, and she matters also.” Her needs, her wants, her dreams, her aspirations, her happiness. How could I forget all of that when I’m the one who posted that meme thinking I live that life when I was just wishing I was? What if we stopped just sacrificing ourselves for our kids and started living for them?
We need to stop considering a selfless mom means completely ignoring your true self, your full identity. That sacrifice is so unnecessary and doesn’t prove you are any better of a mom than anyone else. Kids need to see a genuinely happy mom who knows she matters also. We need to remember that taking care of yourself means you want to give your loved ones the best of you. Sometimes being selfless for your family, is taking care of yourself.
Do you want to go back to school? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to go back to work? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. You want to step out by yourself or with your girlfriends? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to spend extra time to get dolled up before stepping out with the kids? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time. You want to take up a hobby or a class? Do It! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time.
It is important to remember that it isn’t selfish to need and want things for yourself. You will always be a mom, that role will never end, but it isn’t all you are. Don’t wait until the kids leave the house to realize you lost yourself. Don’t wait as you sink deeper and deeper into a depression to realize something is wrong. Don’t wait 46 years in sacrifice to wait to achieve your most beautiful life.
Mella Wines 