Sacrifice

“You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.”

Mom, Mama, Mother… What is the first thing that entered your mind when you read that? For me, I think of unconditional love, patience, understanding, safety, security, and selflessness. Most mothers are the driving force in their household. She carries everything from her family’s joys to all their pains on her shoulders while keeping up with her societal expectation to be a “perfect” mom. She bends over backward to keep her family’s needs met and their happiness maintained. According to society she must lose herself, her identity, ignore her needs, her happiness. If her kids are living their best lives, then she is doing everything right. Her entire world should revolve around her children, no, her kids must be her world and become her identity. She must sacrifice herself for their needs.

 Ya’ll that’s a bunch of BULLSHIT! 

I posted a meme on a Facebook mom’s page saying: “You were someone before you were their mom, and that person matters.” I got so many mixed responses, many showed love or gratitude for the reminder but much who disagreed. There was one specific comment that stood out to me. She said, “I like this quote and get the point, but I struggle with this concept. When your first child is born, you are reborn as a mother. Some people’s identity is that they are a mother, and that is enough.”

I changed the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, more when I heard their little heartbeats and saw their little bodies on a screen, much more when I felt their movements, and all of me when I heard their sweet cries for the first time and I held them in my arms. I knew my identity and my priorities had changed; I was reborn as a mother. I lost myself in my children; they were my entire identity; they justified my worth. Then, I spiraled into a deep depression, pushing everyone away and living in agitation and sadness.

I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom. My mom got married when she was 18 years old, soon after she got pregnant with my eldest brother. She would have 6 children in total. Her entire life she prioritized only us and did nothing for herself. Even buying a blouse was a struggle for her. All my life, I remembered her working nonstop. She worked 10-12 hour-long shifts, clean the house, have food cooked, and have groceries stocked. HOW?! I thought she was just superwoman, and when I had my first child, I thought I was failing because I couldn’t carry out half of what she did.

She is now 65 years old and is struggling to be comfortable with the thought of retiring. Now that her kids are all independent, she can’t get herself to stop because now she is working for herself and not for her kids. She says, “I have done everything for my kids and your dad, I just want to feel like I accomplished something more than that… something for myself.” I was so baffled by this. I questioned her way of thinking. If her value came from her kids, isn’t raising all of us to be happy and healthy enough? We were her identity for so long, but now that all her kids don’t need her the way we once did she wants to do something for herself, even if it is working her ass off to feel accomplished for herself. It took 46 years to get to that point.

My mom did everything right. She worked, she maintained her household, she kept her kids and husband happy, she gave us the world, she was a “perfect” mom BUT she never knew happiness. For as long as I can remember, I saw her work so hard and sacrifice, but I have never seen her genuine joy in her. She now lives in a depression she denies and in regret of her choices. She is 65 years old, and she is just remembering she is more than just “mom” and I was repeating what I grew up knowing; sacrifice makes you a “perfect” mom.

Again, that is a bunch of BULLSHIT! 

How about we switch up our way of thinking?

“I was a someone before I became their mom, and she matters also.” Her needs, her wants, her dreams, her aspirations, her happiness. How could I forget all of that when I’m the one who posted that meme thinking I live that life when I was just wishing I was? What if we stopped just sacrificing ourselves for our kids and started living for them?

We need to stop considering a selfless mom means completely ignoring your true self, your full identity. That sacrifice is so unnecessary and doesn’t prove you are any better of a mom than anyone else. Kids need to see a genuinely happy mom who knows she matters also. We need to remember that taking care of yourself means you want to give your loved ones the best of you. Sometimes being selfless for your family, is taking care of yourself.  

Do you want to go back to school? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to go back to work? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. You want to step out by yourself or with your girlfriends? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from your kids, but not all the time. Do you want to spend extra time to get dolled up before stepping out with the kids? Do it! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time. You want to take up a hobby or a class? Do It! Yes, it will take time away from the kids, but not all the time.

It is important to remember that it isn’t selfish to need and want things for yourself. You will always be a mom, that role will never end, but it isn’t all you are. Don’t wait until the kids leave the house to realize you lost yourself. Don’t wait as you sink deeper and deeper into a depression to realize something is wrong. Don’t wait 46 years in sacrifice to wait to achieve your most beautiful life. 

Books Of The Month – March 2020

Reading has become such an escape for me in the chaos of motherhood/adulthood. It has allowed me to be in different worlds when I have had tough days. It has brought me inspiration and motivation when I was feeling lost. It has rejuvenated and re-energized me when I felt drained. I always recommend people to try and read, even a little bit. Opening up a book and getting lost in those pages is so different than binge watching Netflix shows, though I am also guilty of that.

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How To Not Kill Your Partner During Quarantine

We have a choice of whether we deepen our relationships or break them.

The quarantine to help prevent the spread of the Coronavirus has pushed many of us to spend more time, like 24/7 all the time, with our partners. I have seen so many memes and posts on social media regarding couples arguing or divorces happening because of Covid-19. One of them said, “People are talking about the number of babies being born in 9 months and I’m over here thinking about all the divorce rates.” There have also been many videos of couples acting out their days during quarantine, and as the days went on, they fought and argued. According to an article in globalnews.ca, “In China, where the COVID-19 outbreak first began, divorce rates are rising after couples were forced into mandatory lockdown together to prevent the virus’ spread.”

Whether you are both working from home, both not working, or one of you doing one or the other, being locked down together means learning to parent, work, and function together ALL DAY long. This kind of interaction can lead to the deterioration of any relationship. BUT, it doesn’t have to! We have a choice of whether we deepen our relationships or break them. While I don’t have a perfect relationship, who does, and we argue about stupid shit and get annoyed with each other, managing our relationship during this time was much easier than I thought it would be. How do you keep from being a statistic once the quarantine lifts? How can you turn this into a positive thing for your relationship? How do you maintain your sanity?

Communication

Keeping an open and healthy dialogue with your partner is so important, not just during this time, but definitely when you have to be together all the time. Talking about what is bothering you and finding solutions before it can become an actual issue is so important. Don’t hold it in and don’t ignore it or it will just blow up in your faces. Trust me, if you let it build, the fight will be massive. When you speak about your concerns, needs, and wants to respond with understanding and love instead of defense.  Remember, you guys are a team, so you guys need to resolve matters together.

Patience

More than ever, we need to practice patience with our partners. Yea, I know they’re super annoying. Yes, he is such a mess… he left his dirty laundry next to the hamper, he left one mug in the sink rather than in the dishwasher, he’s eating up all the snacks, he’s obnoxiously chewing, he’s farting everywhere, so much yelling while he’s playing video games, and all the car YouTube videos and Twitch videos… girl, I know! Breathe and approach it with love. Let him know what is causing your irritation and respect, that there are things that he is doing that is also bringing him comfort during this time. All of this is temporary and both partners need to find understanding for each other more than ever. Try to remember you still love that big slob of yours.

Space and Schedules

I can not emphasize this enough. YOU BOTH NEED SPACE! Yes, you’re stuck at home in pajamas all day, but to maintain normalcy you should keep your schedules as close to the same as you can. When you wake up, when you work out, when you get work done, when you clean, when you cook dinner, etc. In your schedules, put time aside for me time and for time together. Just because you are sharing the same vicinity doesn’t mean you need to literally be together all day. For me and Josh, we learned to make time for things we enjoy and brings us joy as individuals. Whether or not we are locked down at home, we should be prioritizing some form of self-care of our mental health. Then we spend our time together as soon as the kids go down for bed and catch up on our favorite shows or watch a new movie. ALONE time is so important and absolutely possible during quarantine, you just need to find your routine.

Liven It Up

I know real date nights aren’t a thing at the moment, but you can do indoor dates. Set a night, order takeout, get dressed, and spend intentional time together. If you have kids, do this when the kids go down for bed. If your kids sleep late… well… it’ll be an early bedtime that night. It won’t kill the kids to not have a night when they don’t get their way, plus that rest is good for them. Try new things. You can try a new show, new board games, new video games, a new workout, or a new thing in bed. Get sexy with your partner. I know anxiety and stress can decrease libido, but sex can also relieve it. Find something you both will find excitement in and enjoy together to keep the good vibes circulating in your relationship.

It is already a stressful time in the world. We have so much to worry about, the last thing any of us need is to worry about divorces or the end of long-term relationships after this. Remind yourself how much you love the person you are with, why you love them, and why the relationship is important to you. Your partner is your rock, the person who you can lean on when our situations are too much to handle. Keep in mind that this situation is temporary, but what you do during this time can affect you in the long-term.

Flawed and STILL Worthy

5 Ways To Fall In Love With You

Hi Beautiful Friends!

I am going to be thirty years old this year, and I am now just truly figuring out how to love myself fully. I’ve gone through the stages of thinking I already did love myself with the confidence I faked to full-on breaking myself down going through all the reasons I am not enough for anything. For years I allowed the lies of others, experiences, and the enemy, the universe, the whatever it is you believe in to live in me and make me look down on myself. Here’s a secret, we have full control of it! Let me share with you all how.

Before we get into the how-to, let’s talk about what happens when you don’t truly love yourself.

• We’ve all heard people say, “you can’t love someone, without loving yourself.” I stand by this, because how can you show another person the love they deserve when you don’t even know what love is supposed to feel or look like? You can’t. No matter what you do, even in the most genuine of efforts, the peace that lacks in your heart will rub off on other people.

• You will live your life constantly comparing yourself to others. As you are comparing, you will also find yourself full of envy or even judgment as that is the way you justify why you don’t have what others have.

• You will be in constant need of others’ acceptance and praise as it is where you find some value and false confidence.

• When you don’t love yourself, you also miss out on so many opportunities. Not applying for a job because you thought you weren’t good enough, not taking on a task that could have landed you a raise or promotion because you thought you couldn’t accomplish it, not finding genuine friends because you surround yourself with like minded negative people.

• Your relationships don’t last. You’re relationships, no matter how genuine you are about being in them, can only go as far as you think you are worth. Even if you are with someone good for you, if you don’t feel like you are worthy of them you will self sabotage even without knowing it. This is also how you end up in bad relationships. You take the bad ways you are treated and either allow it to feed your self deprecation or feel like it is what you deserve.

Ok, now let’s get into it but let me add this disclaimer. Self-love is a lifelong process and will not solve every problem you have, make things perfect, or help you find the love of your life. It will however help you deal with life with a newfound perspective and find different ways of coping with the struggles it can throw at us.

Acceptance and Deciding to Love Yourself

This is such an important step, as you will not be able to move forward without first breaking that denial and fully committing to finding that love. This commitment isn’t to anyone except to you! Promise yourself that no matter how difficult, no matter what life will throw at you, no matter if you fuck up something that you will not stop trying! The biggest thing is the effort you put out, and even if you fall, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say “It didn’t go my way but I still love myself, I am still worthy, I am still enough!”

Finding the Root

Knowing where your insecurities are stemming from is also an important step as it will tell you what to avoid and help break the lies that were engrained in your heart. Make a list and follow it up with your truth. Our roots can come from so many things: perfectionist parents, bad relationships or friendships, a failure in school or at work, the list can go on… Just know that we can break those lies and we give them their power to control us.

Me Time

Life is busy, but you have to set time aside just for you. This is where you can read, Netflix, do yoga, meditate, journal, do whatever it is that you want or what brings you happiness and calm. It doesn’t matter how much time you set aside as long as you set sometime strictly for you where you can focus on yourself and what you love. This is also the time where you get to dedicate to learning yourself. For some of you, you don’t even know what brings you joy anymore.

Your wants and needs

If you are like me, you set the things you want and need to the side for others. You make sure everyone else is taken care of but completely neglect yourself. Well, STOP IT! You are as important as everyone else in your life and you deserve to get your wants and needs met. Sit yourself down, and genuinely think about what it is that you are needing and go do it!

Your Thoughts and Others

You have to be mindful of the way you think and change the way you speak to yourself. As women we are, for some reason, tuned to be critical of all aspects of ourselves and we are so much meaner than anyone else can be. When you catch yourself making a negative comment, switch it up to something positive, something you are grateful for.

Also, watch who you hang out with. If you are around negative people, their negativity will rub off on you also. Surround yourself with positivity always so you can feed it your mind, heart, and soul. Remember even if someone has been your friend for years, doesn’t mean they want the best for you. If someone in your life is constantly pushing you down or judging you, they DON’T want the best for you. These people are NOT your friends, your tribe…avoid them!

Look Good, Feel Good

The smallest effort, can make the biggest impact. When I am not feeling awesome about myself, sometimes just putting on a cute outfit and actually trying helps bring my mood up. Same with doing my hair or makeup. When you put even the slightest effort, you are telling yourself you are worth that. 

Progress Not Perfection

Remember that this is a lifelong practice. We need to live in this because loving yourself isn’t an end goal as it can fluctuate or change. All that matters is that you are trying and you can pick yourself back up and continue on when you fall.

Ladies, we are all flawed in our own ways but each of us is and always will be worthy! Read that again… YOU ARE FLAWED AND STILL WORTHY! You are more than enough, no matter what someone tells you or what experiences made you feel. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. Push the thoughts that you are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, not worthy enough and replace it with I LOVE MYSELF, I AM WORTHY, and I AM ENOUGH. If you are a Christian, like me, remind yourself who you belong to. God loves you and made you in his image, you are his daughter and you, my dear, you are made with greatness!

A Peek into the Life of a Boy Mom

Hi Beautiful Friends!

So, you just went through the excitement of your gender reveal. The confetti cannons popped, and out came all that BLUE. Ready or not, he is there, and he is coming. If you are like me, I never imagined in my life I would be raising a little boy. I come from a family of 6 kids with 4 girls, and most of us siblings had girls of our own. Before having my kids, I learned everything parenting from the baby girls in my family from changing diapers to tea parties. When I had my daughter, I was ready, at least for the pre-preteen stages and we will talk about that later, but when I had my son, I was not prepared.

Let me tell you a few things I have learned in the past 4 years with my sweet boy. First off there is about to be so much crazy and ridiculous, but you are in for a treat Mama because it is also amazingly full of love.

Rough Play

Boys play so differently than girls do. They are not dainty and sweet or soft and quiet. By nature, boys are rough and loud. Their way of engaging in connecting with their peers is to tackle and growl. Think of animal behavior, it is the same way puppies or even lion cubs play. They do this to show their love and test boundaries or just out of pure curiosity.

They can go from cuddling to ripping their shirt off and hulk smashing the cushions inches away from your face. They do what they do to enhance their superpowers. They just test their newly found abilities and are learning what their bodies are capable of. They don’t mean to hurt anyone, crazy is just their natural state. Instead of trying to stop it every time, I would just let it be if no one is getting hurt. However, I suggest directing that energy somewhere else if you don’t like that kind of rough play. We ended up buying my son a little boxing set with a punching bag and gloves to hulk smash on, though he ended up taking those gloves and hulk smashing on everything except the punching bag.

This roughness is also why durable household items or inexpensive ones are recommended. For example, we refuse to have linen couches or chairs. Everything we have is wipe-able. I don’t want to be in constant worry about having to clean up or anything breaking. Any home can be beautifully decorated and still be boy proof. There needs to be a balance in the items you have and the intentional placing of these items.

Privates Are Not So Private

Boys love their man parts and are not shy about it. For why? I don’t think I will ever understand, but I know it must be a man thing because most grown men are also obsessed with theirs. First, I prefer to tell my kids the anatomical names for their areas. I don’t believe in giving them cute names. It will be our responsibility to teach them they are called private parts for a reason, but it will take a while for that to process in their minds.

Their behavior with their penis is totally normal, even though it can be awkward also. You will see them play with it, attach Legos to it, do the helicopter with it, and you will just shake your head out of wonder. It is ok, let it be. They are learning about their anatomy, and if they aren’t swinging it out in public, who cares.

Now, let’s talk pee…they pee EVERYWHERE. Literally everywhere. Let me just tell y’all, when I was potty training this kid, he preferred to pee in the backyard. He still tries to pull it out to pee in bushes right in front of playgrounds, thankfully I catch him before he does his business. When he pees in the toilet, that thing still goes everywhere. If they get distracted, they will spin their whole-body mid pee and it will splash on everything. Trust me, I have seen it. Clorox wipes next to the toilet will be your best friend.

Energy…so much energy

I don’t have to say much about this. We all know boys are big balls of energy. Direct it somewhere. Have him do sports, ride a bike, jump on a trampoline, anything to release it.

The Grossness

OMG…the grossness of boys is something I was not prepared for. From booger walls to poop fingers, y’all boys are GROSS. There is not much to say in this line either. This was more just a warning that they are icky, and sometimes the things they do will make you question things. Just bathe them daily or at least hose them down in the back and they’ll be fine. Also, maybe try and keep their hands out of your face, you never know where they have been.

The Most Special Person

They are nasty, loud wild animals. They will push every button and make us think about getting our husbands to do the snippy snip fearing for our sanities. They are also the sweetest little humans, who will love you more than anyone else in the world. Boys love their mom’s in the most special way, and I am telling you, no one will make you feel better about yourself than they will. You are their first loves and will love you their entire lives, not even the woman of his dreams can take away. Boys will naturally be protective over you and see you in a way that you could no wrong. They will be rough and tough but at the end of the day, with you, they become the softest, mushiest, cuddliest baby loves you are going to want to hold on to forever.

Mothers and sons hold such a special relationship. Enjoy every bit of the chaos, it will be the sweetest journey.