Before I get into it, I want to say I come from a great family, and I know that. There was never any feeling of something missing or lack of love growing up. However, as an adult, I realize just how broken it truly was and how that brokenness has trickled into how we are as adults today. I would have never realized it until my husband brought it to my attention when we were still dating. After we spent a weekend at my parents’ house he asked, “Why is it you act so different when we are with your family?” Instantly I got defensive and questioned his question. He then said, “It seems you instantly go into character and try to fit into this person they made you.” Let me tell you, it wasn’t a good character to play. It was a girl who was lost, unstable, incapable, and “ditzy”. That night, I stopped acting like that with them, as if it would make a difference in their view of me.
To this day, these people I have grown up with besides my two little sisters who are my best friends, don’t truly know who I am. Because of the mistakes I made as a child/a teenager/a young woman, they refused to let go of the image I created no matter how much growth I made, so I gave them what they expected. Around them or after I am with them, I spiral into self-doubt and self-deprecation, forgetting who the fuck I grew up to be. Immediately I go from strong, confident woman to incapable, lost teenage me. Recently, I told someone in my family my plans after getting my degree, which I am so proud to be working on even though I am almost 30 years old; better late than never! Their voice changed and questioned my plans, I can tell they didn’t think it was possible for me, once again made to feel incapable. I am a grown ass woman, and I can still be crushed like that, weakness takes over and once again not feeling enough.
I don’t believe in blaming our childhood or family dynamics on the failures we make as adults as we make our own choices. However, I believe it makes a difference in our mental and emotional wellbeing. Anything I am today is my doing, even with “not enough” engrained into your heart and mind since you were a child, having to learn to fight through the walls of self-doubt placed there by people who are supposed to love and support you the most. I come from a broken family, and it affected how I view and handle things for as long as I can remember. By broken, I don’t mean a family who has been separated or one that comes from a single-family household. By broken, I don’t mean one that was neglected or abandoned. By broken, I mean one that people have to mold and break themselves to feel like they fit in to its expectations. By broken, I mean one that doesn’t feed positivity into your soul and makes you question all the things you are doing in life. In “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle, she defines a whole family as: When each member can bring their full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free.
It is OK to come from such a family. It is OK to have felt not enough in the past. It is OK to have been unstable and unsure of yourself. It is not OK to stay in that place. It is not OK to continue living a life that wasn’t meant for you because it was what they expect of us. We as humans and the children of God, were meant for greatness, meant for peace, and meant for joy. We need to dig deep inside us to grab that greatness out despite what those around us say because at the end of the day it is our lives we are living. Fuck that broken home! Reset, readjust, and restart your way of thinking. Create boundaries and allow yourself to be the YOU you have always been and wanted to be no matter who is watching.
Mella Wines 